All These Girls
9-18-04

Got all these girls
They want to have your baby
They're all around you
They want you
That doesn't mean I do
Don't you ever feel lonely
or even disgraced?
I bet you've never been turned down before
since you're so popular
They want to have your baby
I don't even want to talk
You seem, to me, too self-centered
And I don't think you'll ever know love
I just feel so sorry, though
You have no idea how bad you really have it
All these girls
Not one you care about
All these girls
not one who really knows you

9-1-04

Time just keeps on going
Sometimes you just want to stop
And wonder why for everything
But the moment you choose to will be forgotten
And people will live, people will die
People will make choices
And time will fly
You only learn you have yourself
And that's the only person
you really have to accept
So you'll learn, so you'll grow
And the rest will be memories

9-1-04

No one's who I know now
It's only me
'cause everything is changing
Nothing's left I know
It's all a new world, now
It's a living Hell

I don't care if you're mad
I've gotta fet through this
Somehow I have to know why I'm here
I have to know what it's for
I can't know it with pleasing you

There's nothing left for us, now
Throw that out the door
Along with all your lies
And the truth about you

9-2-04

I don't want to remember you now
I guess that's the point of "ex"
I don't want to stress over you
But there's still some things I miss
And the exclusive part that made me feel good
Although you took that from me
So I had to let you go
I don't regret my choices
They're all good choices
Unlike some people I know
And you know the blame is all on you
Don't ever try to deny it
I just wish I could forget you
I'd like to skip to not loving you anymore

Just Be

It's not like anything matters anymore
You're gone and that's what I have to face
I just iwsh you'd left before making an imprint
An imprint on my heart
It's not like caring about you really matters
'Cause you know that never is enough
It takes so much to make something work
than I even know how to do
It's not like I need to cry
Crying's somethinbg I've done over you before
It's not like anything's right anyway
Right now I just have to learn
I can only rely on myself
And that's who we're stuck with
So rely on yourself
And then I guess we can just be

The Only Thing

The only thing that keeps us going
is yelling back and forth
The only thing that keeps us communicating
is the fact that we each must have the last word
So the only thing is te fights that cause pain
And they're getting old
So the only thing that'll keep us alive
is the strength we have to let go

Just Because I Love You

Just because I love you
doesn't mean I'll lose my dignity completely
just to not lose a day with you
Sure, I love you more than anything
But I also love myself
And if you loved me to, you'd car
If you really love me
And if you loved yourself
You'd do a lot for me
even fight temptations to respect me
You'd even do me some favors
And try to give me the best life
Because I'd do the same for you
You know it
Just because I love you
I'd sacrifice a lot
I just won't sacrifice so much
if you won't do the same

Don't Bring Me Down

I'm not feeling bad today
I'm finally over everything
This day could be a good day
This day could make my life
So don't be looking at me like that
Don't make me feel alone
Don't cause me to lose this security
that took so long to get back
Don't bring me down
Don't even try
Please I'm begging you
I don't want to go back to that
Not today, not ever
But especially not today
I truly can't stand it
I need this day and my dignity
I don't need to be brought down

What He Does

He turns me on with a passion
No one could ever say
isn't from sincere attraction
He makes me feel this way
that's like I'm captured
And there's no escape
Nor would I want there to be
He touches me with a sensation
that I'm never gonna want to leave
He makes me feel perfect
And he makes me feel complete
He doesn't make me wish I was elsewhere
And he doesn't make me feel bad
He just makes me feel it, lust or love
I can't escape it
And that's why I love it

Day 1
9-1-04

Day 1 feels so familiar
of how I was once alone without you
I loved you before you loved me
if that was even true
It's not like you didn't know that
I guess you just didn't care
But this feels so familiar
I'm all alone, and you're on my mind

I can't just let you back in
You stole my trust for you
And now our dreams, they are gone
Now we know it's not meant to be

A part of me is glad, though
I'm free to start anew
I have the rest of my life ahead of me
My whole life at that
I don't have to learn later
that you can't care enough
So Day 1 is a beginning
I'm still not giving up

I Really Just Want
8-30-04

I really just want you to know
I think so little of you now
And I hope you feel bad

I really just want you to know
I never once lied
Like you did

I really just hope you know
You just lost something
I never wanted to lose you, though

I really wanna know
if you ever meant anything
Because you really messed this up
whether you wanted to or not

No Choice

Right now you leave me no choice
But to change everything we know
I wish things could be like they were
But you blew this
There's nothing left to say
Unless you'll admit everything
But I doubt you will
So here it is
I loved you
But you didn't love me

You Will Never

You will never have
what you really wanted
Because I know better
than to give everything away
You will live without me
And something good you lost
I just wish your words wouldn't lie
So then maybe we'd have a chance
You will never love me
Because you never have
But, still, I'm here, alone now
And you won't get to be here

8-31-04

Here I am thinking of you
And the things I have to leave behind
Life sucks sometimes and so do guys
I don't understand why you would do this
You made me promises
that I believed you'd keep
You messed this up
I hope you hurt
But jerks only cause pain

8-31-04

Who are you and what should I think of you
You broke my trust and now I don't know you
What did I do to deserve what you're doing
Quit blaming people other than yourself

I didn't plan on you, or ask
You came and did something to me
That's all it is
Because it can't go further

I just want you to feel so bad
I want you to dispear
But a part of me still needs to love you
So I can still breathe

8-31-04

I'm really sick of people making me cry
Do you get a kick out of it?
Why do I have to hurt so much?
What did I do wrong?
I'm sick of everyone changing
And giving my heart away just be to broken
There's nothing more that I'd like
than to know I don't have to be alone at night
To have someone who could hold my life
And wouldn't let anything slip away
But I can't find anyone
who I can really trust
So I'm alone, in my room
And because of you I gotta cry
Because I can't get over you
'cause I'm in love with you
And that's the way it is
So leave, please, just let me be
Unless you can take this away
And feel it for yourself instead

9-1-04

No one's who I know now
It's only me
'cause everything is changing
Nothing's left I know
It's all a new world, now
It's a living Hell

I don't care if you're mad
I've gotta fet through this
Somehow I have to know why I'm here
I have to know what it's for
I can't know it with pleasing you

There's nothing left for us, now
Throw that out the door
Along with all your lies
And the truth about you

Never Thought

7-17-04

I always wanna protect

Everyone I love

Especially the ones I've known so long

And sometimes that really sucks

I just wish I could make them see

The world, through my eyes

I wish they knew, or cared how I felt

Maybe then I'd be all right

It's not fair for me to feel

Pain and anger because one friend

lights a cigarette

or took a drink for the first time

Although I never thought they would

Please

Please don't judge me

I want you to like me

Please don't hate me

I'm sorry I said that

Let me know you

Please just care

You look like you need a friend

As much as I do right now

Nobody Knows

Nobody knows what it's like

to be the girl that I am

All the morals, maturity

And what you all put me through

Nobody knows that it hurts

Nobody wants to care

And no one can do

One little thing

About how I feel right now

She's Dying

Can you please help her?

She's dying quickly, all depressed

She wanted friends, she wanted love

Sh wanted happiness

But, no, rejection is so evil

So now the drugs are kicking

Illegal use of marijuana

will one day take her to the grave

She's dying quickly, no one will help her

Because they don't realize

Too caught up in their own lives

or their own drug use to really care

Please Stop

Please stop doing what you're doing

Don't smoke anymore

Stop drinking, or whatever

I'm sick of watching you fall

There's so much more to life

than what you're letting yourself see

Just stop this; You're better

Just as good as me

If you love me,

please find the strength

to stop, for me

Please

Here's a Good Girl's Promise

Here's a good girl's promise
That she'll care about what you're doing
And she may get ticked off
But it's just because she's scared
A good girl's promise
that she'll care about a guy
And she'll give her best to the relationship
You just can't push her
A promise of a good girl
that she'll turn down the bad offers
And sometimes she freaks
It just means she has morals
A good girl's promise
That she won't give in
And when you do, she'll worry
And in fights, she might say things she doesn't mean
Here's a good girl's promise
That she'll love you, for you
And she'll stand by you
And she'll stand for herself
All at the same time
I won't sing what I don't believe in
I won't do what I know is wrong
And I'll regret
I won't compromise who I am to fit in
Maybe I can't be a diva, maybe my CD will flop
But I'll still be me, holding strong, and doing what I love

A Poem

Here's a poem for the sad ones
The ones who have it tough
You can't forget your troubles
And you can't say you don't have it rough

Here's a poem for the happy ones
The ones who have it good
Nobody's perfect
So remember what you should

Here's a poem for the outsiders
The ones who hide away
You're no less than the rest
So never go astray

Here's a poem for the preppy ones
The ones who think they're better
You're no better than the other ones
Remember: We're all human

Here's a poem for the suicides
The ones who gave up
I only wish I could have helped you
or that someone else could

Here's a poem for the gothic ones
The ones who are different
People fear what they don't understand
So let your message be sent

Here's a poem for the lovers
The ones in love
Remember you are blessed
to be able to love

Here's a poem for the statistics
The ones who died with others
The death of a million is just a statistic to many
But don't forget: You had a purpose

Here's a poem for the crazy ones
The ones who think outside the box
Never let yourself be put down
Because you can change the world

Here's a poem for the childish ones
The ones who don't act their age
Don't be afraid to have the spirit of a kid
But also, know when to be serious

Here's a poem for the celebrities
The ones with fame, but not all happy
Don't forget your fans
Don't forget the other people
Other people: Don't forget: They're human too.

Here's a poem for the fans
The ones who admire
Never be ashamed of who you are
Never deny it

Here's a poem for the people
The ones who are each special
in their own way
Don't forget the ones who aren't like you
And don't forget the ones who are gone
Remember them each as a person
Because things are crazy in this world
But, one by one, people can make a difference

I'll Cry

I'm sitting here
Thinking about what happened
And crying my eyes out
All those innocent people
killed in an instant
All because those terrorists were jealous

They planned it out so carefully
And got onto those planes
America: Not knowing
Until it was too late

So I'll cry for those people
And let it all out tonight
Because what I feel is sadness--
not selfishness
Like many might think I am

-Dedicated to all the people affected by September 11

I'm sorry...
Written 11/21/02

If I ever put anything before you
If I ever made you cry
If I ever doubted you
If it ever seemed like I wasn't on your side
If I ever broke a promise
If I was never true
If you never felt that I care about you
If I ever abandoned you
If I ever hurt you
If I never gave enough
If I ever made it a lie
If uou ever didn't know that I'd die for you
And I'd take all your pain
If I ever didn't prove myself
If there was nothing for you to gain
I'm sorry, I'll tell you
I never meant to cause you pain
Tell me what I can do
to help heal your pain
Know I try my best
I'll protect you
I'll be there
Whenever you need me
Just know I have the will
yo be someone for you
Know I care
and I won't let you down

This is Us
Dedicated to my friend, Tara
Written 12/8/02

This one's for all the things we've been through
All the fights and all the laughs
All the tears and smiles
You and I were put together
Day by day, we build
Some kind of friendship
that just fits
Like it's fate--it fits
You and I were put together
And we were meant to be
We're each unique--our own persons
Sometimes that tries to fight
But we work it out; we win
We solve, we stand, we conquer
And we both know who's there
I hope, I pray, "we" last forever
Even long after our time
For our friendship is true
And we care about each other
We're there
No lies
So this one's for the past 2 years
This one's for it all
This one's for you, Tara
Thanks for it all
Because you never had to
and I wasn't always worth it
Maybe I wasn't always perfect
Maybe I wasn't always fair
But I tried, and I promise you
I'll continue
No matter what

This is our Story
Dedicated to my friend, Rachel
Written 12/8/02

At the start, we laughed and smiled
We got along just fine
I met you through another friend
I always thought you were cool
But slowly the tables turned
And the words, they started to burn
For your mouth gave nothing friendly
Nothing friendly to me
I finally couldn't take it
I ended it then and there
Most of it's a blur, now
But somehow you started to care
You began to sacrifice
and I easily forgave
Even though you hurt me,
I gave you another chance
You went against your other friends's wishes
You risked losing them, most
All for me
And to this day, I still don't know why
Somehow we survived the year
Being friends--more than ever
I taught you how words can hurt
and you taught me what life is worth
Later, we started high school
Today, we still deal
We dealt with pain and sorrow
We dealt with the fear of tomorrow
We stood by each other
and we still do today
But life tests us--but we can find our way
Life's confusing, but we'll be okay
Life's a game, but we can win
And I promise you now
If it ends tomorrow
and 6 months later you need someone
You can still come back
and I'll be there
As long as I live, no matter what
This is our poem
This is our time
This is our story, our life

______________________________________________________

2003

Wanna Stay

Don't wanna be alone

Don't wanna lose a care

Don't really wanna change

--Don't wanna go there--

Don't wanna have to lose

Don't wanna have to cry

Don't wanna go forward

Don't wanna be left behind

Don't really wanna try it

Don't really wanna hurt

Don't wanna leave my world

--as I know it, now--

Don't wanna face it

Don't wanna have to shift

Don't wanna transform

Wanna stay, just like this

Losing and Letting

I'm losing myself

I'm losing my truth

I'm losing my true ways

over you

I'm letting you hurt me

And I'm letting you take control

Because witrhout you,

I am alone

You're all I have

So I lose and I let

As I let, I lose

And it's not supposed to be worth it

I should find a way out

But I choose not to

I choose this

Because I'm alone unless I do

And I can't take being alone

I'm only 16, and I'm losing everything

For this:

No independence

And no more normality

I'm being controled

Seduced and confused

Brainwashed and redone

And I chose it

This is it

This is my life

Not my dream,

just my life

I Won't Play

I refuse to play your immoral game

I won't fall like you did

You all put these things in your life

When you're not ready

You only think

that you're so much older, now

So much more mature, now

So ready--so right

When you don't have a clue

You waste yourselves

And I'd fit to play

But, I won't

I stand for this

You stand for nothing

And I'll be the one saying:

"I told you so"

And you'll be the one crying

Wishing you were me

And I'll have lived to the fullest

I'll have lived for me.

7/13

Dear God

I'm not feeling so well today

I think it's what I've done

Dear God

I'm a broken teenager

who wanted to have some fun

Dear God

I've been living crazily

And I know that it's not right

Dear God

my mind is bad

It should ache for every bad thought

so, then, I'd learn a lesson

Dear God

I think so wrong

I'm lost with what to do

Dear God

I don't feel good

so, I'll ask you if I could

Dear God

if you would, please remember

who I am

Dear God

I need help

But with you I'll find the way

7/29/03

Perfect

Every day can seem like an endless war

When you're growing up a teen

And it all seems like you need to look better constantly

And it's so hard to believe

that what matters is who you are inside

It's okay to not be "perfect"

'cause you're as perfect as you need to be

It's all right to cry from time to time

And not everybody eats right

or sees what they wanna see in the mirror

It's not right that it's gotta hurt

and feel like it does

It's not right that they convince you that

you gotta be perfect

Nobody's perfect

It hurts and it sucks

But you can't let them drain you

of everything you are

'cause that is what matters

Could It Be?

Could it be that I'm not who I was then?

Could it be that I'm okay?

So many bad memories of you

and the pain you dared to cause

So much to want to forget

And more to forget

Sometimes in life you gotta do

something for yourself

to remember who you are

to be who you are

'cause you only live once

Sometimes it's just the way it's gotta be

And that's the only explanation sometimes

Could it be that I'm not who I was then?

Could it be that I'm really okay?

Always

Always waiting for me to call the shots

Always for me to be your servant

Well, I can't let you get away with it

'cause this ain't workin' for me

It's not right that you use me

for your kicks

Please acknowledge that I'm a person

Put your priorities away

And listen to me when I say

"It's over"

when I let you know that I need more

I need respect

And a little more equality

And less treatment like one of your tools

No more of this will do for me

I'm outa here

'cause you're

Always treatin' me like a servant

like something less than your girlfriend

I won't take it anymore

Maybe

Will I ever find love

or was it just not meant for me?

No guy could ever "click" with me,

it seems

Crushes given up

Maybe the rest should be too

Maybe it's just a false fantasy

or whatever

or I'm just skipped in the pannel of fate

Maybe I'll be okay with not knowing

Maybe

Maybe I'm right

Maybe I'm wrong

who knows

Feelings

Less than a loving and more than a heartbreak

Close to a heartache and more than a loss

Derived frm my worst fears

And my nightmares come true

That's what I'm feeling when I think of you

Half humanity and a dignity's loss

Far from happiness, close to sadness

Mostly depression with a strong feeling of being alone

Calling more smiles with tears falling: more than two

That's what it feels like when I think of you

Than You

You gave up a good thing

And that let's me know

how mature you really are

how smart you really are

And that I'm so much better than you

You gave us up

with a silence that could break the world

let alone a heart

You showed me who you really were

with every drop of pain

Every few, I got a little more truth

That you would have never said

You gave up such a good thing

Now I know

that I'm so much better

To think I thought you were special

My choices are so much better

than yours

And that's the truth

I'm better than you

Tough

I see the weakness in those who look so tough

'Cause they rebel

They want to think they're so tough

especially when they put you through

a living hell

It's not right that wrong is cooler

And so many are confused

But I am so much stronger

'Cause my choices are more mature

I'll be fine as long as I got me

But will they when they detach themselves

not thinking of what will happen?

Real You

I see the real you, now

You should have known you couldn't hide it forever

You should have fessed up

Did you not wanna lose me?

Is that why you lied?

I won't lie

You probably would have

'cause I can't hang out with people like you

Were you scared to say it?

Scared I'd be mad?

Were you just afraid of being alone?

Maybe you'll never admit it

But maybe you were

Why didn't you think we'd die, anyways?

'Cause things were obvious

I just trusted you

I guess you were just to weak to handle

anything

especially reality

8/203

Nothing

Silence is a virtue

and patience is too

Nothing'd come between us

Then, nothing we could do

You are I are nothing

Now, forever, it will be

'Cause I thought we were something more

when we were something less

And now we're left with nothing

Both our faults, I guess

That Person

I know that you hate me

for reasons I know not

I know that you should be sorry

while you're not

getting "hot" behind my back

Never knowing you were that person

that person who'd do to someone

who believed they were everything

That person who thought she had something good

then was left, all alone

Not Meant to Be

Call the world all it's badness

Call my heart stone cold

But I will still believe

that I did what I had to do

Call my life my own board game

And call me something bad

Say I won't give myself

Say that I don't know what I have

Call my fault for your slacking

Take every bad choice on me

But I know what's right and wrong

And me and you weren't meant to be

Truth

You say that I am controling

I say you're being dumb

You say I don't know what I'm missing

I say you're choices are all dumb

You say I am hiding

I say I'm telling the truth

You say I don't give my all

I say I give a strong tribute

You say I'm losing everything

I say it's not what you think

Love is in my heart

And my truth isn't in the sink

Do not Judge Me

Call me crazy

But are you staring?

Do I look like a sign?

Scanning my outfit

by the look on your face

you think I should hide

But I wanna be who I'm gonna be

Take it easy day by day

And you have no right to judge me

You don't even know me

And you think it's okay

My world is fine

My life I've built

So point your eyes in the direction

of your own mirror--

See if you're there

Maybe you're the one who's insecure

Wash the Tears

4-14-05

Let me wash the tears I've cried for you

Yes, it has to end this way

I'll fight and fight the memories

And I just have to accept

when reality's here

and it's that there is no "us"

Let me wash the tears away

I still am who I am

Don't Know

I miss the "I love you's" already

But I'm not so sure I want you bad enough

I'm not sure I even love you like that enough

Yeah, it hurt Yeah, I broke down

But nothing else

Something here's easying me

liek this is supposed to happen

And somehow I just wanna be friends

Although I don't even know what to say

Thinking

Are you thinking of me tonight

I'm sure you are

I'm thinking of you

I'm not even sure I want you to see

my weakness

I'm not sure I can do this yet

Do I have to?

No, no communication

I cannot have connection

I'm too confused right now

I know I loved you, but how much?

Enough to break down

What does that even mean

I need some answers

Maybe fast

I'd like to know why this didn't last

Something in me

There was something wrong with me

Yeah, there always is

Why Me

Why me, right now, why me

I was supposed to be different

No, I'm me

I was supposed to prove a point

Instead it's just the same

I'm not doing this again

Why me, I can accept I'm not perfect

But I was the best, the best for you

And you knew it

Dear God, why me

Did I really do something wrong?

What was the point in hanging on so long?

You always think it's gonna last

But why me for it not to be sometime

where it does

I guess I was just stupid and naive somehow

Because it was me

I had to deserve it, somehow

This Song

Maybe I need to hear this song tonight

The one about me never letting you down

Can't decide if you let me down

But I can't change the station either

My eyes are burning, sore of tears

Sore of all these feelings

Feelings I just wanted to hold onto

And now I want to let go

I can't figure out why I'm listening to this song,

the one about me never letting you down

So just let me go down with it

Just let me lie here

And cry

Promising Myself

I'm promising myself that

I won't wish for your touch anymore

or anything about you

No, that calm relief must go away

It wasn't meant to last

No, no, no-this has to be forgotten

I cannot need anything of you anymore

I cannot be jealous, I cannot hurt

Because only weak girls hurt

Used To

4-15-05

Let's just reverse everything

pretend like it never happened

Does that work for you?

It used to

I remember a time

when I thought of you

And gave up for you my independence

even though I couldn't have you

I can see now that meant so much

Just like I did, yeah

Just like you said you'd do anything

to keep me

Then you let the little things kill us

I don't want to talk to you again

Second Day 1

(refers to a poem called Day 1 I wrote the last time we broke up)

Here's my second day one

Ironic how things turn out

I don't even know what I saw in you

I just know how you made me feel

It feels so familiar to me

yet so relieving

Because now I know how we turn out

My second Day 1

except this time it was me

It was me who got left aside

except I did nothing wrong

Oath

I'm telling myself, here and now

that I'm better off

Because you tied me down anyway

I guess I loved you too much

Yet not enough

No, not enough for you

I can do this alone

And picture me without you

But you without me

That's tearing me apart

I loved being your world,

your everything

But no-you lied about that too

Just like you lied to solve our problems

You lied to save yourself

And I hated it

Just like I hate it now

Just like I want to hate you

I'm convincing myself that I'll be okay

I can be independent and happy again

The past two years will fade away

Yes, they'll fade away

into a long lost memory

that won't make me so mad

And I won't cry, no

I just won't cry

Maybe even one day

I'll find someone who'll try

Someone who's not like you

who gives me lies, false dreams

whog gives me all these things

that come crashing down

long, hard and cold

and alone

Yeah, you left me alone

Don't Hate God

Don't hate God, dear child

It's not his fault

I'ts the devil trying to break you

taking piece by piece away

Don't blame God right now

He's trying to grant you strength

And give you the reassurance, child

that you're going to be okay

Don't hate God, dear child

It will do no good to hate

Let your tears relieve you

And let time heal your pain

And turn stone from what it weak

And knowledge from what it naive

Soon you'll find that it's okay

For falling there is always pain

But getting back up,

there's always a way

No Justice

4-16-05

Nothing justifies how I feel right now

The truth is it's just not right

My heart wasn't given for you to play with

I didn't open up just to regret it

Nothing makes you look good now

You made a girl love you, trust in you

But you were just a jerk, a stupid jerk

And I was stupid to give you the power

to make me feel this alone

Never There

You were never really there

No, not really

You just sat back and shutup

Tried to avoid negativity

Tried to be unreal

No, you never really cared

We never really fit

You just sat, shutup

The tried to avoid,

tried to keep from the truth

I don't know why I believed you

You'd do anything to save yourself

You're selfish

You never even helped

Never my best friend

Never the one

Never meant to be

Hit the Floor

It seemed liek forever

until I felt it coming

Instincts are reliable like that

I thought it hurt when you told me

I got off the phone

fell to the floor

But when I found out you played me

I hit the floor again

Everything to Nothing

I ripped up all the letters

I debated on giving to you

That was before I knew you

I listened to some sad songs

I tried to sing out my tension

I don't know if it helped

I still hate you

I'm not the type of girl to be this weak

Now I'm just the girl who got beat

You might as well have abused me some way

Either way, you threw it all away

I screamed at my stereo

fell to the floor

I tried to release you

from all you are in me

I took a shower

But still couldn't wash away

All that I've given in kisses and hugs

And love, yeah

unrequited love

You said I was your everything

So I guess you don't need anything

And I guess that makes her nothing

Becauyse she can't have my role

I'm not a girl that you can just play with

U just wanted the truth

But now I jad to find it

in aways I never wanted

I just wanna hate you

I want it all back

Everything, everything I ever gave away

I should've known better than

to let you in so far

I loved you too much

but not with all I have

Although you still made me feel like trash

Can't Hold This In

I can't hold this in too much longer

It's gonna eat me alive

I have this speech prepared for you

But I fear breaking down in front of you

But I've been on the road of fear before

And I know it's not taking me anywhere

Soon, I have to tell you

I have to confess how I feel

I have to set myself free

Maybe then I'll feel better

And then I'll know that

I'm gonna be okay

You tried to tell me, make it sound good

But now I know the truth

So you need to know mine

I cannot let myself feel like this forever

I can't slowly die like this

I have to get out

I have to break free

I can't hold this in much longer

I have to scream

I have to tell you like it is

So then I'll never have to talk to you again

Unalike

Unlike you, my life is more

than what denomnation I am

And I actually choose not to judge

And unlike you, my life is full of things

that I gave myself

I'm not stuck in some square

trying to be perfect

Unlike you, I'm gonna make more of myself

be myself

And unlike you it won't revolve around

what other people tell me

Unlike you I make decisions for myself

Bad Day

6-1-06

It's gonna be a bad day

Strung out on too much sugar

So I'm gonna have a headache

And I do

And I miss you

I wanna know why

you're not here

And why you had to go

Why you had to disapear

You gave me a bad day

Because I gave you my heart

I trusted you to try

I trusted you when you said

I changed your life

I guess it wasn't enough,

I guess it wasn't enough for you

I'm gonna feel strange

And I do

You left all these empty spaces

I don't know what you

expect me to do with them

I just wanna talk to you

I wanna hear your voice

and hold you close

There's nothing like holding you

You gave me a bad day

Because I gave you my heart

I trusted you to try

I trusted you when you said

I changed your life

I guess it wasn't enough,

I guess it wasn't enough for you

Why'd you give me a bad day

All I ever did was try

Why didn't you try

Tell me, why can't you be here now?

Why's it gotta be so hopeless

Why's it gotta be so unfair

I had a bad day

I blame you

Because I tried

And I tried

But you didn't

Questions

6-1-06

Maybe I need to ask questions

whenever I get the chance

I've got a lot to handle now

including trying to hold onto you

I'm asking for a sign

when so many things

give me mixed signals

my heart wants you,

but my heart is also willing

to let you break me

I used to be okay here

I wasn't always alone

It didn't seem so bad

until time tried to

show me something new

something old for you

I'm trying, crying

I feel like I'm losing

Every piece of you

ripped so far away from me

even if it belongs to me

You're gone tonight

I've lost you

It's not fair

I'm losing you

I'm keeping it together

as long as I can

But I'm losing you

I'm losing everything I need

to be okay

And all I wanna know is why

why won't you make it all right?

You know we're supposed to be together

But not now, no

It's just not right

Dance in the Rain

6-1-06

Something brought us to this darkness

And I'm not sure how we're gonna get out

Someone let us fly beside them

giving us wings to take a chance

But now that love is fading

it's not supposed to be like this

Let's hope to God it won't go away

But take my hand, I swear we'll make it

I swear we'll stay up all night

if that's what it takes

I swear this rain is gonna fall so hard

but it'll be so beautiful when it's all over

So let's go dancing in the rain

And take this heartache for all it is

And all it's got

Because our hearts are fragile

holding onto every ounce of grace

Let's go, take my hand

And we'll dance in the rain

hold each other all night

Never let go,

we'll get through this together

With or without love

knocking at our door, anymore

'cause tonight we're holding it open

just a little longer

Let the rain come in,

we'll dance, take my hand

we'll get through all of it

Silver Lining

Dedicated to Amanda Petts

4-29-06

I first saw her with purple hair

I fell in love with that

I first cried to her on webcam

Just to let her see

what I buried inside

And she wasn't afraid

I was amazed

I first broke her heart

when I acted like I didn't care

I forgot how to show it

She helped me remember

I felt bad

when I had other people coming into my life

But it was okay, it was okay

It's like silver lining in a dark cloud

when a teenager girl lost her way

And only wanted someone, a friend

to understand

Someone she could trust

That was you

I was rescued in a different way

By you, by you

You wanted to let me fly

I first thought I lost you

when you said I could do better

That hurt, it hurt

I called you a liar

You stayed,

why'd you stay just because I needed you?

Why didn't you walk away

when I made it harder

I made you fight harder

I made you cry

I hated that

My heart broke when I thought I lost you

And again when I thought

I broke your heart

My soul opened when I cried to you

I latched on

because you're one of a kind and

more than you give yourself credit for

Don't Do It

4-4-06

I'm not here so much anymore
Too consumed in thoughts and feelings
And unsure of how to write them all down
There's too much Good-Bye
too much ending
And way too much uncertainty

They say "don't do it"
It'll be your biggest mistake
maybe my favorite
So I'm asking how
in a world so cruel and cold
can something this wonderful
last the rest of my life

I swear I see forever
but how do I know
what forever is?
How do I know anything?
They say I'm too young for this
I promised and I'm staying
So if I seal that promise
what's the difference?
Because a promise has already been sealed

They say "don't do it"
It'll be your biggest mistake
maybe my favorite
So I'm asking how
in a world so cruel and cold
can something this wonderful
last the rest of my life

They say "don't do it"
And they is a world
that refuses to depend on love
Because you gotta be strong
and you gotta be tough
Because you're all you can depend on
One day he can up and say
he wants to leave
But don't tell me it's wrong
when more than words can tell me
he probably won't

I'm Going Down

3-8-06

No, it can't be okay
Let the negativity fall right down on me
Because I'm down, let me go down
I keep messing up
And I keep getting scared
I can't say how much it hurts
It's so far

You're so far away
And I need to talk to you
I'm losing my mind
So confused by
And caught up in you
Tell me something here
I feel so useless here
I'm going down

I'm always on an override
But feelings and actions
are two different things
You say you've stopped messing up
Then you're taken away from me again
At the worst times
It's always the worst times
You're just so far

You're so far away
And I need to talk to you
I'm losing my mind
So confused by
And caught up in you
Tell me something here
I feel so useless here
I'm going down

I'm not sure I'm gonna come
out of this alive
Six months and it hasn't died
It just gets stronger
We go through so much together
One thing after another
One test and another
Neither one of us can say
that we're not madly in love

I'm going down
Maybe you'll catch me
when the bottom hits
Maybe in that short distance
we'll fall together
to the ground
in each other's arms

Missing

3-8-06

I guess something's missing
If I'm drifting away, scared
And wishing I could take the easy way
where are you, God?
'cause I'm messing up
Please, hold my heart
Please, don't give up on me

Amazing gifts come with
trying obstacles
tests that make you question
Every motive you have
Do I pass?

I never claimed perfection
If I admitted hypocrisy
Would you forgive me?
Because this isn't right
I'm clinging tight
when I need it most
But I'm still not acknowledging everything

Hold me, love me, tell my heart
Give it, I have it
Don't let me lose it
And I won't throw it away
Sometimes I don't belong here
But I'm holding onto one chance,
one thing that's the most precious
one person that means more to me
than anything else

Almost

2-13-06

She almost had it final
She almost changed my life
To think I could've lost her
To think: She had the knife
And here I am
with one more chance
Am I gonna take that
for granted this time?
I'm searching for an answer this time
Because I don't want
that chance again
Because we may not
be saved again
To think I almost lost her
To think she almost took it all
Out of all us lonely teenagers
She tried to make a final call
Does that make us want to live?
Does that have any effect
Tell me we're not lucky
that she's not in her coffin yet
And tell me this makes us different
Aware that life is so short
So precious
Thank God she tried to take it all
Thank God she didn't take her life
But, thank God,
she changed at least one life

Morality Went Away

12-30-05

Morality was here yesterday
But morality went away
At least how we used to know it
Because love became stronger than pride
And you became my dignity
It didn't seem like
there was a price
and it still doesn't
I swore I wouldn't be this girl
But that doesn't matter anymore
Nobody wants to be alone
Everybody wants something
that's stronger than anything
And someone to wake up next to
who loves you with all they have
Morality's face changed today
Or maybe the world's stories
just didn't matter
when I started writing my own

Don't Believe

10-27-05

It's around you

Scaring you, burning you

Pulling you in

But you know this is beyond society

Don't believe in ending relationships

You don't want to end

He told us for life,

one life-long person

to finally fill the void

And you've learned you can't change people

But there's nothiny yiu wanna change

Don't believe in ending relationships

if you don't want to end them

There's something brighter

that no else else can see

A distant attachment

You've never felt

You're never too young

when you know such purity,

innocence

You don't have to end it

if you don't need to

No one can take away

what you feel inside

You're the person, deep down

who you've always been

They're the one who loves that

As well as they're who they were born to be

Don't believe you'll have to end it

if right now it's all you want

Dedicated to Amanda C. Petts

my soul sister...in Christ...

in life...in love...

...the love of a true friend

Written 9-19-05

All my insecurities

You wash them away

I never thought I'd find someone

who'd ever say

the things you say every day

silently teaching me

not to settle for less

as I look, but no one's right

I've made the mistake of trying

And I got hurt

Although it could've been so much worse

It still left a scar

but it made me that much stronger

Just like you

You give me the confidence

And I know I'm not alone

You're the one who calls me your angel

But to me you're my something more

than an angel,

I'll find a name for it someday

More....

Odds

Written 9-6-05

Entered in a Young Authors Contest (unsure of results)

Somehow I end up in my bathroom

At 2AM, doing my nails

Because I got too much sleep

To go to bed this early

And I’ve been known

To sit in my closet and cry

Give myself nicknames

And want a lime green guitar

I’m not sure if you’re up for that

If you can go that extreme

I’m not sure what you’re looking for

Odds are: It’s not me

I’ve been thrown around before

I’m always misunderstood

I’m straight, yet I get along with girls

So much better than guys

It’s rare for me to find you

Good enough, into me enough

For me to give you a chance

It’s true that I’m pop and punk

With a little bit of vintage

I go to church every Sunday

I pray every day

But I’ve gotten the impression

That I’m supposed to talk about it

And be like everyone else

Instead of my own kind

I’m known to sing in the shower

But more so, in my room

Trying to fade out a CD

So I can hear myself over it

I’m not sure you can handle that

I’m not sure if you want someone so extreme

I’m not sure what you’re looking for

I’m just scared that it’s not me

Yes, I have been hurt before

Down to the depths

Faced to learn what I really need

And what I really deserve

But somehow, I’m stable

And okay with not trusting so well

Maybe I even forgive too well

I’m even known to cause controversy

I’m even known to get so scared

And not know what to do

I don’t want to push anyone away

But, I’m a writer; I need my space

So I can figure out how to say

How much I really do love you

And somehow I find myself

In my bathroom, 2AM

Doing my nails

I got way too much sleep today

I’ll regret that in the morning

I’m getting tired, thinking about sleeping,

Even how sometimes I feel skinny

But so quickly I go back

Yes, and I’m not sure you can handle me,

I’m so extreme, down-to-earth, and a dreamer

No, I don’t want to be alone

I just accept that, right now, I am

With all the faith that I won’t always be

And I’m not sure what you’re looking for

I just accept the fact that, the odds are: It’s not me

The guitar I wanted...

Go

Jessica Wettig

6-7-05

I want something new

I’m tired of settling for you

I’m tired of trying to look at all the bright sides

There’s nothing in it for us anymore

I know you think that I may be the one

In the back of your mind

You think that something’s there

Maybe it’s been repetitive to think we’re meant to be

But I want, need something new

I can’t just settle for you

(Chorus)

I need to see what’s out there

I already know there’s someone else

Right now I at least want something casual

I can’t take all this serious stuff

I have to find where my heart is

You have nothing left for me

Just as I have nothing left for you

I know it kills you to watch me go

But you have to let me go

Don’t the idea of me being with someone else

Keep you down like this for so long

I’m telling you: There’s more out there than me

There’s more out there for you

You just have to look inside your heart

And see that you’re not so stuck

I just want you to be free

Because I can’t let you come back to me

When I’m not coming back to you

(Chorus)

But I have to let you go

It’s easy to settle your mind on one thing

One person who’s always felt like a possibility

But when you just know they’re not the one

And old habbits don’t want to break

Here you are, holding onto half of them

This is no way to live

I want something new, in my heart

I can’t just settle for you

When I know, I just know

(Chorus)

But you have to let me,

I have to let you go

I have to go, you have to go

We’ve nothing for each other

Not in the end we don’t

There’s not enough love

Not enough strength

We will not be together

So, I have to go

Sorry

2-22-05

I'm so sick and tired of writing these songs

About how I wish you could be who I knew,

Who you used to be

Nothing's gonna change that it's not fair

Nothing's gonna make it okay

(Chorus)

Tell me do you expect me to be sorry

Sorry for staying the same

Do you think I expect you to be sorry

Sorry for changing on me

And doing the things you said you never would

Well maybe I do

I'm just sorry I couldn't save you

Everything feels the same

I'll accept that you've changed

Maybe if you tell me how it is,

why it is and what it's gonna be

I'm sure you know I hate this

But the problem is I don't hate you

Tell me how I'm supposed to be sorry

when all thinking of you does

it make me mad and hurt, I wish you would

tell me where this is gonna get us

(Chorus)

Tell me should I expect you to be sorry

or should I be sorry?

Did I do something wrong?

You could take away everything

At least a lot if you tried

But instead I'm only worth the

negative energy produced from

what you hear that I've said about you

You're doing the things you said you never would

I guess I'm just sorry I couldn't save you

Thankful for You

(Chorus)
All these people around me that I have taken for granted
I'm sorry if I never showed it
But I really do care
And I really am thankful for you

Time to time I feel so guilty
like I'm not thankful enough
Like I don't show enough grattitude
But I feel it, at least
And one day I'll repay you when I can

(Chorus)

Oh, why stress, I know you did it out of selfless love
Just as I've given you
But I feel I don't gie enough
Some of you I'm just so lucky to have

(Chorus)

All these people around me
I took you for granted
But I really really thankful I could

All in the Same

Secrets are safe with me
Love it makes me afraid
Friendships they make me
And movies they make me laugh
Family they do a million things
A mirror it makes me crazy

(Chorus)
Life ain't what you always think
People are people, all in the same

People some judge me
Singing it frees me
Animals they make me talk funny
Magazines they interest me
Acting it stretches my mind
Websites they amaze me
And guys they make me a million things

(Chorus)

And life it takes me and offers me things
To an unknown future and unknown people
And gifts I get that I get that I'd never wanna give back
Oh, I'll lose it in just one thing
That means nothing to my neighbor, or even my dad
But people are different
And they all got something that means everthing to them

(Chorus 3x)

I Finally Cried for You

My feelings, they've been crazy
And growing stronger each time you enter my mind
But I can't have you
It's all so complicated
And now a line's been crossed
I finally cried for you

(Chorus)
This world's a big, big place
And I'm so young to think I've found the one
But, I, I really feel this
Up and down
And when I really really missed you
I finally cried for you

What did you do to me
to make me think you're so wonderful
What did you do to make me miss you
To make me want you
To make me break down and cry like this, baby

(Chorus)

What a big big place
And me so young
To think I've found the one
But I really feel it (Do you feel it?)
Up and down
And when I really really
Reall really missed you
I finally cried for you
Oh, did you cry for me?

(Chorus)

Gotta Get Up (For Me)

(Chorus)
Gotta get up, gotta get a move on
Girl, I know it's painful
But you gotta face this new day
You have to keep on movin'
Keep on livin', keep on breathin' for you

I know they hurt your feelings
And I know you wanna hide
I know you wish it could be like it used to be
You wish this wasn't real
But sometimes in life, you gotta face things
You really don't wanna face, oh

(Chorus)

I know you cried again last night
Wishin' this world wasn't so hard on you
Oh, and girl, I know you look in the mirror
And you wonder why God made you
And why you're who you are
Oh, but girl

(Chorus)

They made you feel so lowly
They made you feel alone
Yeah, they hurt me, they did this to me
But I gotta find the strength to go on
They made me think I was a bad person
A bad friend, A bad everything
They made me wanna spend my days
All curled up in a ball
But, I gotta

(Chorus)
--
--Oh, it's so painful
--Oh, I gotta face it
--I must keep movin'
--
-- for me
For me, for me
It's all for me
And I'll move on for me
Walk on for me
And one day I won't look back

Sweet Music
written 2-11-04

Here's a song from a girl who doesn't know what to feel
Here's a tune because I can't seem to manage my world
Sometimes you don't know how to describe it
When you just know it feels really bad
What to do, what to write
So I'll sing

(Chorus)
Sweet music, take my pain away
Life's a little crazy now
And I wanna write without words
So this song will be about me
Managing my feelings unsucessfully

I'm a stone, that can easily break
I'm confused, I'd just like an answer to everything
But sometimes an answer's in the choices you make
or something especially clever like that

(Chorus)

Don't know what to do
Don't know where to go
Don't know if it'll matter anyway

God Gave Me You

Just one kiss was all I dreamed of
But you gave me so much more than that
Just one night to hold you
But I got countless
Just one guy, I chose you
I know I made the right choice
Please tell me I did
Don't ever let me regret

(Chorus)
You made me fall in love with you
God knows why
I made you fall in love with me
God knew what he was up to
Someone to know me, someone who cares
Someone I can rely on
That's all I wanted
So God gave me you

I just wanted to have you
For the longest time
We finally got to make it happen
Now the stars are in line
Everything's just right
I know you know it's true
I can see it in your eyes
That you love me too

(Chorus)

He gave me you to kiss good night
He gave me you to dream of marrying
Everything I could ever ask for
Everything I could ever live for
God gave me back
With you

(Chorus)

Yes, he did
He gave me you

Nowhere

There he goes, he's lookin' at me
He's gott know though
He'll never get me
I know what he's after
And it ain't real
So I'll keep walkin'
For myself

(Chorus)
Some people dream, Some people don't think
Some just don't care
About the choices they make, and the fact
that lust for the moment gets you nowhere

I'm scared he's gonna try and talk to me
So I speed up just to get away
Yeah, I feel guilty
But I'm not what he wants
He's not what I want
Let's stop before this starts

(Chorus 2x)

No One (To Tell This Song To)

These are the days I have to spend my time
Doing nothing because I've nothing to say to them right now
They're not the people I thought I knew
So I'm lost in confusion
And I'm getting lonely

(Chorus)
One more wrong move
I think I'll lose it
Why do you do this to yourself?
You've lost all morals
Sinking deeper
Ad I've got no one to tell this song to

One day I'll talk to you
I'll figure out what to say
But right now you don't care I'm upset
You don't care about what you're doing
I am going crazy here
Can't you just stop?
What the point in wasting yourself?
Why don't I matter anymore?

(Chorus)

To know who you are
And to see what you do
Are two different things, now
I thought I knew you
I thought you cared
What's happened to my best friend?

(Chrous 2x)

Him and Me (Meant to Be)

Sit down, look at me
I have to tell you something
I love the guy you're trying to get me to leave
You're his ex-girlfriend now
I'm sorry, you made you're mistakes
When you had him
I saw you
And I loved him then
Our love's always been too strong
For you to break

(Chorus)
Listen now, Move on
Get your own life
He's not in love with you
Never was, or will be
Him and me are what's meant to be

Don't talk to me and tell me things
My heart knows they're lies
You know you can't break this
You're so jealous you're sick
You can't just let us be
Girl, you can't do anything
Stop trying, leave us alone
What you're doing isn't right

(Chorus)

You know I can't believe you
Quit trying to hurt me
I don't appreciate it
You're his ex-girlfriend
Because he's with me, now
And you can't break our love

(Chorus)

Just Be True

I need you for a lifetime
I'm just scared this won't last that long
The way you make me feel each time
I never want to go away
In fact, I hope I learn to love you
with more than all I have
I hope this deepens if it can
As long as you are who I think you are

(Chorus)
Never leave, please
Don't break my heart
I don't think you will
But don't make me wrong
See, I've been hurt too many times
Just be true, so true
And I'll be true to you

No one's ever got to touch me
No one's ever got to hold me
Like you have, so many times
I've never meant it until you
So please, I hope that means something
I hope you cherish me like I cherish you
Because if you don't, I just may die
But let me know right now

(Chorus)

I'll never lose faith in you
If you never lose faith in me

Something Out There Good

I'll bring you a fountain
That will restore and make pure
At least that's what I'll dream about
But right now I am sure
That you can't erase your mistakes
But the future, I can see
You can turn around everything
You just have to believe

(Chorus)
Life's worth never wasting
People are worth caring for
You're worth caring
of who you are inside
There's something out there good

I'll write a few more poems
Sing a few more songs
I'll make a list, record some tapes,
Then will you believe?
Or if I just broke down and cried
And told you it hurt to watch you fade
Then would you believe?

(Chorus)

Something's out there, waiting
For you to find a destiny
God's made sure it's just for you
But will you let yourself find it?
Or will you fade away?

Because it hurts to watch you fade
I'll do anything so you'll believe
You're worth each and every day

Saw Her Today

Saw you today
You and what's-her-face
Strange: she's not what I expected
She's nothing like me or you
But it hurt, it cut me deep down
To think you used to be mine

(Chorus)
I try hard to forget you
But my heart says forever with you
My head knows it's wrong
We're over
But what am I supposed to do

You never promised to never ever hurt me
So I won't use it against you
But I'd like to know
If you hurt at all
Did a part of you die?
Did you even wanna cry?

(Chorus)

She's probably everything you want
So now she's everything I hate

(Chorus)

I Knew This Before I Learned

Let's talk about this
Before we throw everything away
There's no use losing what we have so fast
Is there any way to change it?
Is there anything to say?
Let's figure something out here
We said everything'd be okay

(Chorus)
Sometimes it doesn't work that way
Sometimes you have to learn the hard way
I don't really care, though
I knew this before I learned
But what I didn't know was
how much I could love someone

Let's not jump so fast
into sinking so low
It's not like it's life or death here
But it's my entire life
I never said I was perfect
And I'm sorry I didn't see
The real person inside of you
Who just needed me to know
I just needed more time
And that is what I'm asking
Not for this to slip away

(Chorus)

Nothing's what you want it
But that could work so many ways
I just want to one I chose to hold me
Who's been there through the better
to be there for the worse

(Chorus)

A little more time
A few more days
It doesn't have to end this way
Life's worth saving
I just want you to stay

Little Something

I've got a little something I wanna say

But I don't know how to tell you

I've got a promise or two all meant for you

But I'm not sure how to word it

We've come a long way

And I need you to realize

I'm not gonna go away

I'm stuck with you for life

(Chorus)

I care about you and who you are

I care about your sky, I hope it will not fall

But if it does, I'll help you pick up the pieces

And make some sense of why I need you

And why you need me

I've got this little thought tucked in my head

that I'll know you forever

I have this belief that it'll never end

But I didn't say I wanted it to

I think we're in each other's lives to stay

I don't think we need a few more days

to know that we will always be here

I don't wanna leave

(Chorus)

Love never really makes sense

Guess that's what makes it so crazy

All I know is

that we're never gonna leave each other's side

And we don't really know why

I've got a little something I wanna say

(I'm stuck with you for life)

(Chorus)

I decided to put this poem on this site because it means a lot to me. It marks a big step in my writing. For starters, when I started into creative writing I got into short stories inspired by poems on the site I published this on. I wrote in in February 2001...but I'm still really really proud of it.

Okay

Since the accident, I hear people say,
“Everything’s gonna be okay.”
When I hear this, I want to scream.
The people who say it Are on the wrong team.

My friend was taken; A part of my heart went with her.
People tell me I’ll be better; I beg to differ.
That drunk driver came out of nowhere
And crashed into my friend.
And at the hospital I cried, Because I heard the end.
The day we buried her in the ground
Was the most heartbroken day I’ve ever had.
To see her there—So silent, So cold—
You won’t believe the feeling
To know your friend won’t come back.
No more phone calls, No more sleepovers;
All because a kid thought it was cool to drink and drive.

And people try to tell you, “It’s gonna be okay.
You’ll get over it, You’ll move on, Take it day by day.”

Maybe if they were feeling What I’m feeling now,
They’d know: It’s not gonna be okay.
’Cause “the okay” would only be
To have my best friend back,
For the phone calls, The sleepovers,
For the big friendship things.
Just to go back and make that kid think.

If only it were possible And the heartbreak would go away,
But if it doesn’t happen now, Then I hope it will one day.
’Cause this hole in my heart Is waiting to be filled.
’Cause only then will everything be okay.

Also Seen Here

I Remember
5-30-03

The days left are slowly slimming
The long days seem to drag
Reflecting on all that's happened
Remembering what I've done
All the choices, I still wonder
The things I said, were they true?
The way I treated them all
Did I do just what I should?
I remember times before
The past I left behind
I remember them;
the ones who betrayed me
And I remember what they said
The lies they told
And the lessons we all learned
The new ones I met later on
The ones I'm growing close to
That I hope are much better
That I hope will last forever
I remember how I've changed
My adjustments; My settlements
I keep in mind just what it took
I remember the tears
The other poems and all the pain
And I know how to get through it
And then as I fade back to the present
I stare, as it ends
Then I look ahead
Problems remaining unknown
words remained untold
It scares me to think
how it all can change in one day
or one night
How it takes so little
to cause so much pain
Then, what I'll have to witness
As those I know fall
But I guess I'm ready
or will be when it starts again
I have time to prepare
My time to reflect
My time to know
To prepare to end it all
just to start it all over again

I Tried (Prelogue to my novel: "I Don't Belong Here")
10-12-04

I tried real hard not to think of you
I really gave my all
Sometimes I think I'm over you
Others I try to hide that I'm really not
You made me believe in you
Like I never thought I could believe in anyone
You made me feel something I may never find again
I trusted you
I tried real hard to forget you
And even harder not to hurt
I tried to let the past be the past
But then reality hit me
And I realized that you're in my heart
No angry words can change that
or make it all better
Silent tears can't erase that
but only make me stronger
And not forgiving you would be not forgiving myself
But it's the hardest thing to do
Because living without you is torture
Since memories are all I have
Memories I never thought would stop coming
that now hurt like a knife
Maybe forgiving you is better
than hating you forever
Because I know that you're not sorry
And that you'll probably never be
So I tried so hard not to think of you
But everything filled my mind, my soul
And most of all my heart
I realized I couldn't live like this
I couldn't live being mad
trying to hate someone I loved
So, today, I started trying to forgive you
And put myself at peace
I stopped trying to forget you
Because I know I never could
I started trying to look at myself
without you there anymore

The Devil
12-6-04

The devil crept into my mind today
Made me believe that things are always bad
That they only get worse
And I fought back the tears
When he brought me your name
I remembered all the times
You said you'd never change
But life doesn't always happen
The way that you think
So he kept telling me
that this always happens
only because I am strange
trying to be too perfect
I tried not to cry
When I thought of you
And how much it hurts
Just to see you fade away
So I turned one way over
And I closed my eyes
I placed you in my heart
I said a prayer and cried

At Least I'm in Control

There's that mirror again
And those stupid magazines
So what? I'm insecure
At least I'm in control
There it goes again playing
And up comes my previous meal
It makes me feel better, so what?
At least I'm in control
So I'm hiding it now
It's my little secret
They'd think there was something wrong
They can't see I'm in control
Just like now: Someone has caught me
And here I am, in this place
Soon enough they think I'm better
And they know I'm in control
So what if now I'm fainting
Pushed into the stupid ER
Malnutrition, I won't survive this
But at least I'm in control

Liquid

There's this liquid we have that
keeps us alive
Supposedly
It makes us warm
It keeps us beating
On and on
Just so we can live to die
This liquid is blood
And the beating's our heasrt
The thing that we, as girls,
long to give away
Because these things called guys:
We want to believe in them
But like a deep cut
They do more stealing than giving back
This giving is love
The stealing makes it unrequited
And love makes guys our enemy

When I've Shut the Door

I wanna fall in love again

only this time with someone who

I'm gonna love even more than this

And who'll love me more than that

I wanna find that one true guy

Skipping ahead to me being over the other

Come on, I can't live like this

I don't wanna be lonely anymore

I wanna fall in love again

But first I wanna skip ahead

to man-hating being out the door

when I'll shut the door and lock it

And everything that was ever you

left in the long, distant past

Maybe I won't even hate you

Because I won't care enough anymore

Maybe I'll have hurt you

Just so I won't feel alone anymore

When I've shut the door, and locked it

My Head, My Heart

In my head it's like I'm free

Free from all your binds

I won't be tied down

I'll have my own life,

my own choices

But in my heart I'm all alone

The way you let me go was cold

I feel it deep inside, hurting my pride

And it makes no sense in my head

that my heart's letting you break it

You decieved me, you took me

You let me go, but trapped me

I just want this all to end

like you and me

Because I don't even want us

to be meant to be

My Own

I have a blanket

I can kepp myself warm at night

I wasn't ready for this anyway

Just like I wasn't ready for what you did

But I solve my own problems

I can be all alone

I got frineds that didn't hold me down

You brought me down

But I'll be okay

Yes, I'll be okay

I have my own room, life

my own goals

I have my own body, interests

I even have my own mouth

I don't need your spirit

to make mine feel complete

I don't need you for confidence

Yes, I'll be okay

Admit

I admit it, I wanted it to work

to see if it could

I wanted to give it my all and best

I thought there might be a reason

that I kept going back to you

I knew I was in love with you

I thought it could be fate

Sometimes fate is to begin and end

I admit it, I didn't want to give up

I had doubts, and a feeling

it wouldn't last

But still, at least I tried

I hold no shame

I played my part

Not That Girl

I'm not that girl who just gives in

And sacrifices all of it for you

I'm not the girl who just agrees

on everything you say and want

I'm not that girl who expects little

who has few hopes and dreams

I'm not that girl who's not a big dreamer

thinking she's grounded, set and so unfree

I'm not that girl who looks the part

of everything you like about her

No, I'm not the girl who submits

I'm not the girl who just wants

to make you happy, despite herself

No, I'm not the girl you want me to be

Insecure

You put me out like this

like it's my fault

like I did something wrong

It's overwelming how insecure

what you've done is making me feel

Going back to your ex and how she is

All these things you had problems with me

that you know you won't with her

That hurts me

I'm not supposed to be labeled so bad

And left beneath all happiness and you

It's like I lost the game with her

But, then again, I won the freedom

from a liar!

She'll See

She'll know what it's like one day

Yeah, she'll understand my side

Shell see the the prices

how you lie and hide

She'll understand why

You're not good enough for me

Give it time, she'll see

He'll leave her behind, she'll see

that he doesn't even know what love is

The Girl in the Mirror

I looked in the mirror and saw her

The girl I'm stuck with forever

I looked away, had nothing to say

I tried to like her

I made her pretty, set her to the standards

This is how I want her to look

At least this is how she's gonna look

I tried to mold her

I made her listen to a song

And I turned away as it made her cry

I can't stand to see her

I tried to feel her

I calmed her down, I took a look

I studied her face and went over the basics

I decided today could change things

I tried to be her

Who I Am, Who I'll Never Be

I'm right back where I used to be

I guess it's always gonna be

You and her and me

But you and her

I gues I have a disadvantage

Yeah, your standards are down

So I'm not there

I guess I'll be okay with that

I'm gonna get over this soon enough

I have to hurt for awhile, just a little while

I have a heart so it has to break

because I gave it away to the wrong one

You're not gonna rob me of my spirit, though

You can't take that away from me

I'd never be who you wanted me to be

Yeah, you hated that

Go on, take the easy way out

You won't see this again

There's one God still on my side

that you seem to think I don't have

Somehow my lack of this square

this square you're consumed in gets you

I'm in a circle

And I won't change, no

Don't you hate that?

That I won't lower my standards,

lower myself

At least I'm gonna be somebody

Because I wanna be somebody

And not even you could take that away

I Didn't Give it All Away

Somehow I'll manage to survive this

I have no reason to fell guilt

Things happen

And I still have it--a gift

A gift I thought I'd give to you

But time told me that things

could work out that way

Yes, you lied to me

Yes, you hurt me

Yes, you betrayed me

You made me feel worthless

But, no, I didn't give it all away

I'm screaming today

but I'm wearing my cross

I'm holding tight to who I am

who I never needed you to be

And how much better I'll be without you

Yes, I'm at peace

Yes, this takes time

I have to get over

But I'll be okay because

No, I didn't give it all away

Oh, I know you wanted it

But you respected that boundary

That's true

I bet you'd have had something

Yeah, I bet you would've

But I said no

I knew I'd say no

So it didn't happen

And because of this

I won't fall apart

Some things you can't take back

But I can take back most of my heart

Yes, you made me mad

Yes, I wanna hurt you

Yes, I cried today

But I didn't give up

Doesn't it help that

No, I didn't give it all away

Still Me

I'm finally breaking myself off

No more control

I fought this long fight

proved I was the one

who's true to myself

I always am left out, judged

By those who are supposed to be

supposed to have something in common with me

I'm never good enough for them

So I wasn't good enough for you

But I am finally past the fight

Just trying to put the pieces of me back together

Because I learned how I can never fit in

Yeah, I have something they don't

I have something you don't

I never claimed to be perfect

So don't you even try

Don't act it, don't judge

But you already have

I'm left out again, yeah

But now I see

It's all for a purpose

At least I'm still me, yeah

I didn't fall down

Real Things

The things I said, I meant them

Just because I doubted

doesn't mean it wasn't true

Clearly, it was reality

You don't break down for illusions

The things I did were of no regret

I broke no law, did what I thought

wouldn't bring me down at the time

I took a risk, I stayed with you

I even trusted you

And now that's all been given back

The things I felt, they were real

I wrote them down, even said them

No, it wasn't the strongest

It wasn't even the greatest

But it was real

I cried real tears

And now I'll have real anger,

real resentment

But eventually real release

About That Today

5-5-05

Jessica Wettig

I thought about this today

Thought about all the things I've been through

Forced to grow up so fast,

We grew up so fast

Everything changed without us knowing it

And here we are being faced with time

It's going by too quickly

But we can't rewind

I felt my desires go through me

The ones that have always been there

The person I am right now

I hope I'm on the path of the person

I always wanted to be

We've always been told what to do

All our lives we wanted to get past it

And here we are, facing time

Coming this close to getting past it

Maybe it's not how we thought it'd be

Maybe it's better

In the end, we'll know who we can trust

In the end, we'll always know what we want

And it's probably something we've always wanted

But no one could tell us what it was

or really how to get it

I thought about that today

We have our own paths

I realized today that

We've always been who we really are

That's not a bad thing

We've always watched each other grow

in one way or another

Whether we really paid attention

We helped each other grow

Whether we really wanted to

We've made our mark here

I noticed that today

And realized that going on

isn't really Good-Bye

Tomorrow

5-19-05

I'm gonna be here tomorrow

And you're not gonna be

Looking back, it went by too fast

It almost makes no sense

how suddenly we're all grown up

Ready to live our lives

You're a step ahead of me

But I'm not far behind

We've always had a world that comes together

And tomorrow this will be over with

It feels like Good-Bye

I feels like all of it's over

But something else has begun

No matter where this road takes us

To keep walking is what's right

We cannot look back right now

Too much on our minds

Too much happening right now

Tomorrow all I'll be hoping

is that we never stop, never give up

Memories fade, but people really don't

People who change and leave you

Leave you changed

So we can go on

Tomorrow and the day after

On and on and on

Choosing not to stop, not to lose

Not to give up

No matter who leaves or what happens

Because all of this is right

Tomorrow I'll be a little lonely

But all of this is right

God’s Light of Change

God’s shining a light upon me

The goodness of change

The world’s full of pain

That time will pass

We all try to make it

We always wanted more

It feels like there’s something

I should’ve said

I could’ve done something more

But there’s a plan happening on us

The youth of today

Who are soon becoming

Something He wanted us to be

So God’s shining a light right now

A light of change

The right of it all

Because things can’t stay the same

Less Than Just a Person

Written 9-19-05

Dedication Anonymous

You're less than just a person

You're not just like me

At least that's what you think

instead of trying to believe

I try to help you

I tried to tell you

You don't see what I see

when I look at you

And it seems there's nothing I can do

to get through to you

I don't know why you're so lonely

I never had someone reach to me

like I've reached to you

I'm not being selfish

I just wanna understand

what did I forget to do

to keep you from killing yourself

All I ever wanted

was to save you from yourself

I tried to make you see

a thousand times

that it's gonna be okay

that you're not alone

It won't always be so bad

You tried to permanently go away

to leave me to never know

There's a reason it didn't happen

a reason you didn't die

There's things that you just don't know

I tried to help you know

There's something always there

a little ounce of hope

I hope that now you'll know

Even though I failed the first time

Please tell me what I have to do

if there's a chance at a second time

You're less than just a person

never just like me

I wish you'd see what I see

And believe

I really would miss you

if you took yourself from me

Give and Take

Written 9-17-05

I tried to hold you

you shoved me away

I tried to let you talk to me

I didn't want you to bottle all of it up

All you did was blow me off

Then rant about things

that make no sense

And leave me here,

like I'm supposed to magically

take it all away

I'm sick of giving

and getting nothing

You try to say

try to make me a fallen angel

you the tortured soul

just because I pushed back

And let myself breathe

when you wouldn't

I tried to explain how hard it is

you tried to quit me

with twisting my words

like you're an inconvenience

I can only take so much of this

I tried to make you believe

I love you

I tried to show just what I know

You told me all these things

I guess I don't trust easily

You're so sweet

But I realize that it hurts

when all you do is take

I don't want it to

because I'm selfless to you

I don't wanna hurt you

But sometimes selfishness

is necessary

when it's in my own defense

I don't ask you to be

something just because

I want you to be

I just establish that I can't

be ran down every time

You have drama every day

And all I do is try to help

But it never seems to work

I wanted more for you

to come from me

But I'm stuck here alone

in my own defense

It's crazy how I adore you

And want you to be happy

overjoyed on such rare occasions

So otherwise wishing I could change it

There must be something wrong with me

Maybe I'm too nice,

I hate being selfish

Maybe I'm just stupid

And not what you need

I try to show you

I try to tell you

I've tried and I've tried

It doesn't feel good enough

It's my greatest regret

Although I tried

I guess I felt like you didn't try back

that I gave a lot

and you didn't give much back

Small Things, Big Regrets

Written 9-16-05

Even the smallest things

bring a memory

I'd never forget

I know I could've done something worse

I know there's so many things

I should be grateful I never did

There's still those few, though

that come back sometimes

And refuse to leave me alone

For awhile, I remember

what it's like to feel

like I'm not good enough

They got blcoked

Most of the time I can't think so much

It's always random

some mistake I made

things I should've changed`

when I had the chance

Threre are so many bad choices

that I could've made

But I didn't

I knoew right and wrong too well

Somehow I wonder

if things would be easier

if I didn't listen

to my conscience all the time

And acted like I just didn't know

or that I knew something else

that people who don't, didn't

Even the smallest things

can bring big regrets

old and new emotions

of wishing I could change

everything

If you don't learn to be optimistic

then you're not gonna make it

All you'll ever do is disapoint yourself

Tough

Written 7-18-05

Today I'm gonna be me
Leave behind insecurities
Be the Christian punk I really am
Breaking out of tradition
Letting go of rejection
You're too shallow and square
to understand

You don't like it: Tough
You don't want me, you're loss
You've never seen, shut me out
You'll never know what freedom is

Thrash me behind my back
Tell it to my face to prove
you have a spine
Because I don't care much
You're wrapping it up your way
Trying to make yourself look so good
But you're not, you're not
You want freedom just like me

You don't like me, well that's too bad
Taking out on me
Jealous of what you don't have
That's the freedom you really want
The security you yearn to have

Tie yourself up
Blame me for all your so-called sin
that's not really sin except to them
So it is to you, now
But I'm not them
So I just don't care anymore

Hide from me
No wonder you haven't been
talking to me
I think you'd like to like me
if you really were allowed
I'm fine thinking bad about you
if I think abut you at all

I'm not mad
I bet that's like a knife to you
to think that I don't care
And that I'm over you

You don't like it, they don't like it
That's just tough
Throw me out without a chance
Because I don't want one anymore

You Know You're Alive

Written 7-27-05

Your heart is breaking
But at least you know you're alive
You feel yourself changing
learning from the mistakes you've been making
But at least you know
At least you can see
This is the beauty of life
For things to never be the same
Our hearts to break
Our hearts to mend
Nothing, nothing
even comes close
to when we're down so far
All we can do is rise
And we do
We find a way and we do
Then we know we're alive
Lost and confused, wishing we
could be dull again like yesterday, like me
But then we won't know
Just how alive we are
This is what it is
This is what it's all about

For Real

Written 7-8-05

I just wanna feel, I wanna be real

I wanna live, have a reason to live

Make a mistake, Make a choice

I just don't want to not know anything

I don't cry anymore

I'm rock solid and alone

I got over what now feels so unreal

All the drama I never needed

My standards went up

And here I am, I just wanna be

Please find me

In the middle of the night

I'm thinking about

how I'd like to be

I love my life,

But I want to make more memories than this

I wanna feel, I wanna be real

Don't walk away from me

Don't pass up this chance

Forget what you've heard or think

Know me, for real

Make a choice today

For real

I wanna feel,

I wanna be real

Expense of Hate

I learned that something isn't over
I thought was
I realized that my heart can only take so much
Because I've been loved at the expense of hate
I have lost, with nothing but knowledge to gain
And I am done
Trying to please everyone
whom I shouldn't have to impress anyway

I put love on my side
God's on my side
And he's gonna work it out with them
He's putting me to a test
He always has

It's not gonna fall out
I'm not gonna give in
You'll never understand the pain
of always looking for an answer
Always being judged by the nonjudgemental
And my freedom is only letting go
And accepting that I can't change them
But at least I don't need to change

I've been loved at the expense of hate
And then I lost that love
with nothing but knowledge to gain
And I am done
I don't need to please everyone
I am done
there's not point in trying to hurt myself
putting all these pieces back together
Because they just get knocked out of my hands
I am done
It's a long road to what I really need

Independence
(The Holy Spirit Knows)
Written by Jessica Wettig
6-20-05

Reality is calling me
and the holy spirit knows
That praying is all I can do
But I need to be where I belong
Now it's okay to prove a point
when you've got a point to prove
But when he's there, and he's with her
And she is judging me
Just like always, I need to be strong
I've always known what I need

All this praying that I'm doing
may forever be unanswered
Some things are personal
All things are with God
He's working me, And I am free
Protected by what He gives me
But when he's looking, then he's not
Because he knows I've found him out
I'm begging, pleading just to let go
I surrendered, and the holy spirit knows
I have to be strong

When he's walking, acting
like I'm not the one
he said he still loved
when she's in the picture
And I know just how she is
When that sick feeling comes over me
From lies to final truth
I know that first love's tend to end
Because the holy spirit knows that I,
I need to find something
Someone else who's gonna be the one

he's not looking, trying
to hide the real truth
that he's never wanted me to know
when at the same time it is
not my business
As what I do is not his
I've got the holy spirit on my side
So I'll be okay
No matter what she may say
from her past-based jealousy
All I can do is pray
That while he's looking, hiding
everything from me
he'll be listening to the holy spirit
trying to tel me when to act
I'll be praying, wishing
Trying to push myself
forever in the realm of good
with my independence
granted in holiness
my independence will be full

Dreamer in Waiting

Tell me how I'm supposed to be
Be a girl, this girl
And be who I'm supposed to be
I'm tired of sitting and waiting
Tired of saying
having to support myself
And encourage myself
I know this isn't how it's supposed to be
And what I'm supposed to do to be me

Everybody deserves a dream
Not my fault I'm shoved in this
with people who are dreamless
And taking what they get, what they can
That's not me and it'll never be
So What am I supposed to do

Beyond the passion,
I feel like waiting
It's okay to not be in a hurry
Right oppurtunities are meant to be taken
But I didn't have them yet
It's just not here yet
Not for me
I've gotta be a dreamer a little longer
Before I let it all change
Gotta stay changing a little longer
Gotta grow up a little more
Gotta wait for my calling
I know I'm gonna shine
I sound like a kid to say that
But sometimes you just know
These things are in your heart
Some things I've always known
hard for anyone to understand
unless they're me,
unless they get into my head

I wanna know how I'm supposed to be
this girl, this young girl
And the girl I'm meant to be

Just a Good Girl

She's just a good girl
living on this street
trying to make sense of thw world
Standing on her own two feet
never cared too much for rejection
Just got it her whole life
She's just a good girl
She doesn't wanna be alone

She tried to be there
But you pushed her aside
Her jeans and black atire
weren't good enough for you
Those eyelined tears were worth it
Because you wanted something else
Even if you'll never find better
than a good girl
trying now to guard her heart

She just wanted you to look at her
like something was there
Beyond all of what you didn't understand
Two sides mixed together
A good you never find
She's just a good girl
to some that's all she is

I guess you're free
Because of all the controversy
A pop-listening punk with a wait ring
Way too much for you
I guess you fear what you don't understand
I'm just a good girl
that you wish you could change

I Just Want Love

I'm longing for someone just to find me
who isn't going to try to change me
But make me believe
that it's all right to get a little crazy
have a little passion, dream a dream
I just want you to love me

I need someone to just come to me
Make me believe in magical things
Understand me, even be like me
I know you're out there
And I'll never want to let you go
I just want to love you

Come to me when you can
Although I need you right now
Someone to talk to
Someone to hang onto
I just want to find the one

I am rather lonely
I want to feel you
I guess it's too soon
I've too many doubts of being ready
I know I need you,
I know I love you
I just don't know who you are
But I want to hold you

I'm longing to wipe every tear from your eye
Make you believe in magical things
Let you dream a dream
And be who you are
I don't want you to be alone
I just want us to be in love

Black Makeup

Written July 8

My makeup's a mess today
I stress and try to fix it
It's all black
My hair's a little thick for me
But it's about the only thing you loved
wanting me to change
things you thought I could
No, I wouldn't do it
So you let me go

I'm only who I am
And I just wanna be free
I made a decision
that I decide who I am
And who I'm gonna be
Because it doesn't matter
what people think
No, no, here I go

Here's this girl lookin' back at me
Lookin' for something she now knows isn't you

What's my fault today
What'd I do this time
That's just so bad
Did I wear black again?
Did I say the wrong thing,
play the wrong song?
You totally don't get me
You never could

My makeup's a mess
I stress to fix it
I wear black because I like it
You never got it
You live in a square
not a circle
You were never in my big, round circle

I'll Wait

I'm telling you, I'm not gonna live this down
Nobody's gonna make me change my mind
No, I'm gonna wait
All this world around me
Trying to get me to do
Things I don't want to
No, I'm stronger than that
No, I'm gonna wait
I'm not gonna change my mind
Life's too precious to throw such gifts away
to someone unworthy
Because one day someone's gonna be worth it
Finally
I'm gonna be in love eternally
with no scars, no bad stories
No old bonds that I can't break
I'm telling you
You can't make me change my mind
I understand too much for that
I'm too smart now
And I think you are too
I watch you living in denial
The world's not always bad
to get involved in
But in this case, you know it is
I'm praying and I'm hoping
For you
I made a decision
I'm waiting for someone
And I thnk you wanna wait, too
You're just consumed, you're scared
And you don't understand
caught up in the world
I just wish you knew God's plan...

My Good-Bye

9-23-05

I look back on all I’ve done

Four years ago

I wasn’t sure where I’d be when I got here

And now that I look back

Not sure I can believe that’s it

And nothing more is gonna come of it

Yeah, this is my high school

I don’t know if I had much of a life

What’s a life anyway

Senior, still without a date

It’s overrated anyway

Made some choices along the way

I didn’t want any regrets

Band member, but I loved choir

It was there I found my natural high

Instead of finding it in something that doesn’t last

(Chorus)

I made the friends that wanted

To be friends with me

Some local, some long distance

Each one had a place in my heart

Some I lost touch with before

The end of high school

Some I didn’t make until senior year

So unsure of where this is taking me

But this is my Good-Bye

I never did do a lot

Mostly what I wanted to be good at

Spent half the time writing songs like these

Put music school in my dreams

I tired to keep all the memories

Make every one I’d ever need

Made some I didn’t want

But it took so long to get here

Even longer to get out of here

And now I’m leaving my foundation

I guess not many things

Can ever really last

(Chorus 2)

I have all these things I can never forget

Shed some tears, made mistakes

Concentrated so hard

To be a girl of grace

Established just as me

Slightly extreme

Looking for something more

I always knew my path

Didn’t stop at this

This is my Good-Bye

Will I always wonder what could have been?

I’m unsure if I’m satisfied

But this is it, all there is

Just a road you take

To turn on another

Even though we can never forget

What the other one looks like

(Chorus 2)

(Chorus)

(Chorus 2)

Unexpected

9-24-05

Sometimes you have days and nights

You don’t expect

And your mind isn’t so static anymore

Life isn’t so eventless anymore

I’ve still got the smell of your cologne on my shirt

Unsure of what that’s doing

Just like when you kissed me

It didn’t feel wrong,

But scary

Because I don’t know where I’m going

I’m not sure what I’m feeling,

Or even if it’s real

I thought I decided what I was looking for

I guess knowing ahead of time

Takes the fun out of everything

This wasn’t the plan

I was supposed to be sure

But I’m not sure who you are

I don’t even know if you are

I didn’t plan on getting this much out

I wasn’t sure in the first place

We went and made it complicated

You’re nothing I planned

But something I may not want to lose

Crossed a Line

9-24-05

It’s all out in the open

Things I didn’t even know were there

My friend’s ex-boyfriend

Who messed things up with her

And I know all about it

That choice I made

I know that I’m not her

But I don’t know what to expect

Or say, or do, or anything

You tell me things about you

That are crazy to believe

But there’s no reason why

You’d make something up that’s so bad

I don’t know why I’m with you

Suddenly, am I everything?

It seems like it

I’m scared

You say all the right things

It’s just me, unsure of anything

And you, we crossed a line

I gotta be sure this is all okay

I gotta be sure that this,

This is what I want

A line was crossed tonight

Things happen like that

My face only holds confusion

My uncertainty of what’s next

And what to do

So I’m sleeping

So I can see how it feels tomorrow

First

9-26-05

There’s a danger in what we’ve done

But I wouldn’t trade it

Because after that night, that dance

I realize that I finally found something more

I’d just like to give you my heart

But you gotta be who I need first

I just want you by me

I wanna talk and spend time

I want every reason to take a risk

You gotta tell me first

That you’re over it

You gotta make me believe

You wanna be

And wouldn’t trade me

I gotta believe that I’m first

Not just because I want to

But because you want to

If you’re ready for something new

To try and make it work

I’m here waiting

With nothing but time

I just wanna give you a chance

See if we can heal each other’s scars,

And be something new,

And different

It’ll Be Okay

9-28-05

I’m waiting for some answers here

I just want you here

To talk to you

Not ready to fall apart here

I just wanna believe it’ll be okay

I’m trying to believe it

I’m in too deep already

So afraid of what I’m getting myself into

And I just wanna hold you

Protect you from all of this

I’d be taking a chance

Giving it to you

I just want you to know

That I’ll always be there

Everything you do now

Effects me too

I’m emotionally attached, emotionally involved

And I have to know

That I am really all you want

And I just wanna believe

It’ll all be okay

So I’ll try to believe it

As long as I can be in your arms

And hear you say it

To God

9-30-05

All I ask is that you let me make my own choices

Out of your grace

So that I may learn

Hold onto you even in

The tiniest thread

Maybe I’ll push you away

I won’t blame you if you push back

All I ask is for forgiveness

Like you said you’d give

But never had to

I just want to be real

And be molded by grace in sin

Both mine and others

Until I’m finally not alone

Light

9-30-05

There’s this little light inside of me

That’s got more to give

I’m just so afraid to lose

Everything

I just know that something happened

And now I don’t know what to believe

My whole life I thought I could analyze

Everything and get it right

Thought that right and wrong

Could be, would be clear enough

Then you came

Now all I know is when I’m with you

I feel right and don’t wanna be away

And I wanna believe in you

Too many times I took a chance like this

That made me have to be strong enough

To overcome the pain of the loss

Maybe I think that I’ll fall

Much harder for you

And that means I’ll take a crash

So much greater if you hurt me too

I’m listening to my heart

And it’s telling me how tired I am

Of being lied to and rejected

I’ve been down some crazy roads

Nothing eve really makes sense

Until you make it make sense

I don’t care about voices

Telling me the chance

I think God’s grace and will

Is not always found in language

But what you feel

And what you don’t know

What’s so imperfect that it

Makes a little fire shine bright

A will to be strong

That says you wanna make

Something out of everything

You lit something inside of me

Made a light shine bright

I don’t know anything

Don’t know if I know who

You really are

I just know I’m crazy,

Possibly way to extreme

Too scared to let my guard down

And trust

Until I know that this light

Won’t blow

Don’t blow this

I don’t know what to believe

So make me believe in you

September Ends

It’s the end of September

And I’m awake

I don’t miss the summer

I don’t want it back

Innocence never really lasts

Because it ends when you start

Making real mistakes

Then they mean something

Yeah, they mean something

September is something

Showing me things I’ve waited for so long

Yeah, it’s about time

Because this thing and that thing

They made it make sense

But the lack of true devotion

Made it fall apart anyway

So maybe I don’t want something to make sense

I swear that October’s gonna have rain

And sunshine, tears and laughter

And I’m almost certain

We’re gonna make each other’s lives so crazy

But it’s gonna be okay

When I’m with you I feel okay

Calm, cool, collected

And I don’t want you to go away

I wanna trust you, maybe love you

I wanna show you all of me

I wanna make everything okay for you

I wanna be there for you

Be the girl you point to and say “that’s her”

Be the girl who made you a better man

Changed your life and made you see

Eternity in some of the strangest, craziest

And best ways

I want that girl, your girl, to be me

10-1-05

I must be insane

Must be out of my mind

To thinkt he thoughts I do

Will God let me create my own destiny?

I heard sonce that he gave us choices

Not so sure they’re always of right and wrong

Sometimes God’s grace

Must be mixed up

Into a personality

And must be tested

By strong emotions for another

When one is unsure of the pathway

Unsure of all that will happen

I must be crazy

You must be crazy too

I’ve never felt so cool

To be crazy

With anyone

Like I do with you

Not sure where it’s going

No clue if I can help

I just wanna be something

You’ll never forget

10-4-05

Love was no friend of mine

That’s what I learned over time

I wanted to feel complete

But not with a price

Not with every regret

Creeping up on me forever

I wanted something more

I wanted something real

I wanted something that

I wouldn’t put my heart into

Just to get it crushed

They all tell me I’m crazy

They give me their excuses

For not understanding, not approving

Nothing seems to even compare

To the way you make me feel

I feel like I know you and turst you

And I think I’m falling in love with you

They can tell me that I’m crazy

But they’ll never understand

I just wanna spend every moment with you

It’s happening so fast

I’m so scared it isn’t real

But I believe God doesn’t give great things

Just to take them back

There’s nothing unreal about this

It’s beyond everything I know

I wouldn’t trade this feeling for anything

And I’m scared of never feeling it again

Maybe I’m not supposed to loe you

But God’s told my heart I should

I feel you fell all of this too

Is that real?

That I think I know you

But don’t even know

I heard you say I love you

Before I ever would

Like I said, that word’s never been my friend

I never knew how afraid I was

Because it’s never meant what I wanted it to

And here I am, and I think this is all real

Like I knew you, loved you even

Before I ever met you

There’s not much to question

When I’m spending hours

With you on my mind

I didn’t want this to happen

But it did

It’s so complicated

But I don’t care

I’ve lost my mind, I’m taking a risk

Because my heart is yours

With the craziest belief that

You’re not gonna break it

Guard Down

10-9-05

Too many times

I’ve put my faith in something

That just wouldn’t last

Although I believed it would

Simply because the emotions were new

And I wouldn’t admit

I was settling for less

Than what I needed

I’ve never wanted everything in one person

And had a supernatural feeling

That you’re the one for me

Until you, now you’re here

And I keep getting scared

It keeps getting hard

There’s nothing here

That I want to let go

I’m letting down my guard,

Surrendering to the heavens

I got the message

The one is right in front of me

That that means that it’s gonna be okay

Somehow, some way

I may have a life to save

And that’s okay

Because all I wanna do

Is make you see everything

That’s reassuring

Like I do

And protect you from everything

From getting hurt

Ever again

My guard is down

My mind is making peace

With my heart

Despite fear,

Because I believe in God

And love, and that

Some things are just meant to be

And I believe in you

My heart is yours

Because love is a choice

10-13-05

I never wanted less than the best

Believed the best is something

You find and you feel

Because I’m the only one

Who wants something fantasizably real

When things are coming to an end

When I’m so far in

Be strong, hold on

But I don’t know if I’m so well alone

Alone I don’t seem to learn enough of anything

I’ve come so far, this far

I’ve known what I wanted the most

Just never had anybody

Who could understand

I’ve always wanted to make something good

Out of something bad

That’s real

It’s a real dream, a real goal

I’ve just wanted to be okay

Have something and someone

Under my skin

That I could combine

Into something I can’t find anywhere else

I’ve just wanted to be real

In my own way

Have something real

Dependable

As crazy as I am

Because the best is a home

That you find and you feel

and love is something you say

And you feel

And, more than anything,

Love is a choice that you do

Out of a heart’s desire

Maybe once in a lifetime

Found

I Can’t Lie

10-13-05

I guess I can’t tell you

What’s really going on

Just like you say it’s my choice

What I do now

It’s like I’m supposed to feel bad

And I won’t

All my life I’ve been taught not to lie

Except when it’s beneficial to you

Not necessary to me

You don’t know what it’s like

You want to respect yourself

Knowing you’re disrespected

And questioning whether you deserve it

I guess I’m gonna have to choose

To think for myself

I can’t tell you everything

Because you don’t agree

There’s nothing I know about

How this is gonna end up

I can’t use the pressure

Of changing everything

I keep me from doing the right thing

I feel like I’m getting nowhere

When I talk to you

Like you think I just argue

You think you know everything

And you don’t

Maybe something needs to change

I can’t lie, I won’t lie

You cannot guilt me

You cannot convince me

That wanting to be treated

Like a human

Is wrong

Alone I Am

Alone I am when I’m in my room

Instability creeping at my door

Left over from the drama upstairs

I don’t know what to say anymore

Just wishing the feeling would go away

The one of feeling alone, deserted

But I guess they are never there

And they never understand anyway

I just want out of this situation

I’ve said too much already

And too much has been going on

But you’re not here to help me

I’m all alone

You’ve told me I have a choice to make

When I didn’t put myself here

You took a part in it

You can’t even admit that

Alone I didn’t ask to be or want to be

I guess you’re scared, thinking of yourself

I don’t know what your world is like

I just know I’m not in it

So much as we’d think

We try to collide our situations

But we only end up nowhere

Deeper and deeper into nowhere

You Did

10-14-05

All my life I’ve been told to be somebody

But it’s someone you want me to be

I know you’re not perfect

But do you?

Especially when the law says

You don’t have the right to

Lay a hand on me

Quit asking me to be that girl

Who gets hit and hides the marks

As if the shame’s on her

Everything you believe

Can’t always be right

I’ve never had the right to choose

The effect has never been fair

Maybe my life’s not so bad

But it’s also not so perfect

It wasn’t me who scared someone

It was you

You made the biggest choice that night

Quit blaming it on me

I didn’t make it physical

You did

I didn’t break the law

You did

I won’t feel guilty

So quit trying to blame this is a world I grew up in

But now something’s gotta change

Now

I don’t know what I’m becoming

I just know who I am

And that’s someone who has her own,

Modern-day way

Of looking at everything

I’m not like you so much as I thought

I see that now

I take chances worth taking

And I live for the right thing

You’d never understand

The faith I have

Because you think you know everything

You’ve told me all my life

That I’m wrong

I can’t figure out

What you’ve tried to make me feel

You say you’ve taught me

The right thing

I’m losing sight of the path

That came from you

I guess you don’t know me

You leave me all alone

To think, although

You don’t seem to think I can

I don’t know what to give you

So I do what I believe

It’s so hard for you to face

But, I’m not a kid anymore

Some things I have to see my way

Or else I’ll never be

Secure in my own skin

I don’t know what you want from me

Just that I need something for myself

On My Knees

10-31-05

They tell me love’s a thing you learn

How to make last

Once you’ve been naïve a few times

Grown up a little more

This is the new age

And you can’t know yet

You can’t know anything yet

Because you’re too young

I’m too young

And I don’t care

I’m on my knees

Because I’m down this road

I’m so far down

It’s dark

And if you leave me now

I’m all alone

You’re just like me

It’s brought me herer

I already wanna spend

My whole life with you

I’m not naïve

Don’t tell me that

I’m okay

Except for when you try

To act like I’m not

Why can’t it happen

Why can’t it all just be okay

I’d fight forever

I know I would

It’s more than a feeling

But what I’m feeling is forever

I’m on my knees, in the dark

Risking so much on one thing

That earned my trust

My heart

Don’t break

Because without you

I’m all alone and more than lonely

I’m lost, trying to find questions

As to why something so perfect

And so right can never be

Because I used to believe

What I keep hearing

That it’s crazy, immature

But I believe in too much now

I found my heaven on earth

In a real package

No fairy tale

I can’t let that go

On my knees,

But I’m safe

Alone in the dark

You’re with me now

And nothing else matters

God Doesn’t Make Mistakes

11-3-05

This girl doesn’t fall in love

No, and she never feels right

No one meets her standards

No one gets through those walls

But I’m lying

Because I’m over the edge

Out of my mind in love

More and more, every day

A new experience comes

You blow my mind every time

By just being you

They can say what they want

Tell me I’m in for danger

But God doesn’t make mistakes

So he didn’t make one

The night I found you

And when I found myself

When I was okay

For once in my life

Feeling things I’ve never known

But understand

I understood everything

And I knew what I’d been missing

And waiting for

And why I was the way I was

The way I still am

I found the one

Who I can be someone

That I’m not with anyone else

When I’m with you

I trust God in his perfection

I’ve learned too much

For it to not be good

God doesn’t make mistakes

That means that everything

Really will be okay

Don’t Let Me Wake Up

11-5-05

Drenched down in my black

Tear-stained loneliness

With the desire, the need

Just to feel complete

You found me

Away from you

It’s so hard to believe

I cannot describe it

There’s too much to take now

Life is so hard and confusing

I’m always alone

It’s only a dream

To actually believe different

How do you make my dreams come true?

Are you really who I think you are?

Are you really just like me?

And all these choices

That I could make

I’m afraid they’ll be wrong

I’m afraid something’s going to make me

Wake up from this dream

And you’ll be gone

Leaving this empty void

That I’ve carried my whole life

I’m only so strong

Strong enough to stand alone

But I’m tired of being alone

Learning lessons each time

I think I might find something

My standards are so shigh

These things are so hard to find

Is this real? Are you real?

If it’s a dream

Please, God, don’t let me wake up

I can’t go back to feeling alone

Especially now—once I’m more than not alone

I can’t lose the other half of my soul

Understand

11-5-05

Things I’ve written

Songs I’ve dedicated

Giving them all my trust

My friendship

No one’s ever understood

No, no one ever could

I’m molded into this person

Who just wants more than love

But someone real

Who I can share

Everything

And they’d not only care

But understand

So many things I’ve settled for

Now I’ve found a love

That I’m not settling for

But analyzing,

Discovering, making real

It it makes me this much better, smarter

If I’m really changed like this

Then why am I scared?

When for once in my life

I don’t have to learn to accept anything

And I don’t have to justify

Anything

It is that real

Somehow, complete

Setting me free

I’m finally free

Never Leave

11-5-05

I wrote a letter last night again

I wrote you back

Everything you said was amazing

Every time I’m with you,

It’s amazing

I never knew true love was something

I had no knowledge of

I’ve waited my whole life

To finally feel complete and free

Baby don’t leave

Never give up on this girl

Who may push you away

Never say anything

You don’t mean

Don’t hate me when I do

The wrong thing

And make you mad

Never leave because you’re in my soul,

Can’t let go

Everything I believe in

Can all make sense now

Late a night I’m only scared

Even though I know you

In a way I thought

I’d never know anyone

And I keep no secrets

Because you’re the one

Who I wanna tell everything to

I hold your heart so tightly

Kiss your ring so gently

And close my eyes

I feel you here with me

I know you’re in love with me

No one’s ever been all I wanted

I’m so much better now

Never leave, please

Never give up on me

Amanda made this for me too...

She's such a sweetheart I freakin' love her!

Amanda made this...

I love you too Amanda!!!!

Amanda: "i prayed to god that id get a freind who would talk to me about anything and be able to goof around about my sexuality but still tlak about God and serious stuff... and be able to tell them anything... and thed sacrifise things for me and depend on my happiness like i did on theres
your just like that person"

My laugh's engagement ring

From Amanda

Amanda sent this in dedication to me

*Tear*

Angel of My Heart

By Amanda Christine Petts

The darkness pulls me in once again

And I'm alone and suffering

In a shell of a person I once was

Not knowing what to think or feel

Just feeling crippled and broken

But then a light shines thought

Bright and clear

I see a hand outstretched to pull me up

And bring me out of my suffering

With open arms and kind words

You touch me

And hold me as I cry

With you I’m not alone

You are my light and my love

The center of my heart

You will always have a piece of me with you

Because you deserve it

You’re my angel from above

My savor and my protector

Without you I would die

And fall back into the darkness I despise...

I need you

And you all I ever wanted in someone

My perfect angel

I can only ask you to be by my side forever

You’re my love

And I could never live without you

My angel, I will forever love you

by Jessica Wettig